I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You Might Also Like
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
This meal prepping shit easy
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.