Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

This joke is 7 years old

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged