I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”