Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

Heroic Misunderstanding

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Jogging

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again