Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.