Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?