Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.