I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Me trying to “trust the process”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.