I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase