I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.