Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs