I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
i like to flex on them by shrugging
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums