I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
new wife guy just dropped
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
