I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My dad is at it again
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have