Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.