I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.