I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.