I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
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My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I might give this a try 😏
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
realest tweet ever.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.