Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Just me?

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life