I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean