I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom