Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?