Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.