Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.