Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Thanks to a fan for this one!

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?