Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Genius.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

As per my previous tablet…

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat