I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
❤️🦆
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.