I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You Might Also Like
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.