I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have