FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.