I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
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Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Story of my life…..
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
eggs benadryl