Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”