I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Love this one 😂🧟
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.