I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”