Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.