I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
You Might Also Like
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Oh yeah that’s it
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.