I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip