Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.