Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.