Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.