I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
is it earth
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
This is true.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.