I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

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Customer: Can someone else serve us?


C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.


I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.


When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”


“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.


Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.

Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.


Had a talk with 12.

M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: …
12: …
M: Good talk


[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget