@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

You Might Also Like

@WickedRapunzel

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

@NotTodayEric

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

@MouthOfSass

Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.

Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.

@saucy_peaches

Had a talk with 12.

M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: …
12: …
M: Good talk

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget