I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me checking my bank balance online.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
They’re on their honeymoon
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.