Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then