I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
