I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Can Happiness buy money?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here