I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.