I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If my kids invented a drink.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
? 💀
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up