I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
You Might Also Like
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
hmm conte-me mais
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours