I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”