Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Does it…does it take 3 days

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.