Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

A small tragedy.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”