Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…