I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
You Might Also Like
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.