I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Bit chilly again tonight.
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Candles never taste the way they smell