Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.