Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Hey i am sexy to you now

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008