I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
#Caturday
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”