I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You Might Also Like
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
OH. COME. ON.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
how was your vacation
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???