Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Oh my God.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.