I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.