Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

our love story in four pictures

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.