I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
This dude got his own movie?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE