I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
