I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Arrest that man!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
◾️
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive