I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”