me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.