Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can