I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
j o i m p
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here