I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Its true…
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Alexa turn off the planet
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.