I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.