i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I can also cook 😂
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus