i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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The first one, obviously
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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Me: Same
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things