I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.