I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Breaking news:
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.