Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why I oughta

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.