I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.