I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
The USS B port
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
You are not alone 💚
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem